My Own Rescue

Starting Over. Again. Enduring. Still.

This is what everyone says I should be doing… the writing, I mean.

I used to do a blog, for a whole decade, almost not missing a day at all.

Then came the podcast. And the public. And the trolls.

It was hard. Scary. Violating, at times.

Twice I have had websites hacked and lost everything.

Too often people who say they are my friends just want something from me.

Or, more innocently, have an idea of who they think I am without actually knowing me.

It makes me wary, and it’s exhausting.

I learned it is called parasocial.

Parasocial refers to a type of one-sided relationship where an individual feels a strong connection or familiarity with a media figure, such as a celebrity, despite not knowing them personally. This phenomenon was first described in 1956 by Horton and Wohl, who identified it as a form of interaction between media users and figures.

Parasocial relationships can lead to feelings of attachment and intimacy, often resulting in emotional responses when the media figure experiences significant life events or when the relationship ends, such as through a "parasocial breakup". These relationships are thought to fulfill social needs, particularly in contexts where individuals may feel lonely or isolated.

This is good news and bad news. It is good news because it helps me understand. People who have listened to the podcast have heard parts of me, parts of my story, and parts of my feelings. Emphasis on part.

The harder news is that it’s not everything all of me has to say, or all of how I experience the world.

It’s also sad because I didn’t know that taking more vulnerable episodes down would feel to some like a rupture or a “breakup”.

It was also scary not understanding why some people would be so upset at me if I didn’t fulfill their fantasy.

It was shocking when I said no to dating folks, who then villainized me for setting boundaries. Or worse, terrifying when they tried to attack me more directly, or my family, or my license that provides for my children.

It’s scary to be out in public, so I have avoided this for a long time.

And also? I really love writing.

And also? This is where people are, and they keep saying I will like it if I try it.

And also? The default font is beautiful, and the layout is smooth, and it might be my new happy place.

I am writing here because I am a human, and I have fought for my voice - in a lot of ways.

I am writing here to include more of myself than what feels safe on the podcast.

I am writing here because in the days of screenshots and online gossip, emailing a blog doesn’t feel any scarier than my writing experiences in the past, and the news of my life might as well come directly from myself instead of strangers who don’t actually know me.

This is me finding my voice, defending my voice, and using my voice.

It’s a new start for a nearly-new me… that maybe is more of a reclaimed me.

But we’ll get to that… as long as it stays safe enough for me to keep writing, and you are brave enough to keep reading.